Every morning before the alarm goes off, bad dreams, anxiety nightmares. In one I am stranded at my parents house with no car, somehow no phone, and R and everyone else is in SF waiting for me. I cry thinking I've led R to believe he has been abandoned at the altar.
god damn bad day
Then the thumping panic attacks between each snooze button. These are work related, I think. I'm unhappy at the job. I am a big proponent of not staying where you are unhappy, but I am also more afraid of irresponsibility and being jobless. Focusing on grad school again. Dusting off the resume, for the application process, and also just in case. It is so hard to be motivated right now. Though yesterday we had a crisis and while initially it made me feel horrible and ineffectual, I was eventually able to appreciate it as a learning experience, which is why I took this job in the first place. I take deep breaths. I traipse around the interwebs. Too much.
god damn big decision
Trying to select a wedding band has been a pain in my ass. R picked something very simple and plain, which is what I thought I would do too. We ordered two, but then I didn't like mine. I bought this funky looking thing from ebay, and then the post office lost it. And then it turned up again in the building. And it is HIDEOUS. I love it. R hates it, but it wouldn't work for a wedding band anyway, it is huge and bizarre. Back to the drawing board. I am now trying to decide between a way too expensive new ring from a famous maker, or a vintage ring from the 1920s that is only moderately too expensive. I have to decide SOON.
god damn big deal
Not really a big deal but I couldn't come up with anything else. Well, maybe it is, who knows. Yesterday I called LA girlfriend P to catch up, only she didn't answer the phone. College girlfriend S answered the phone, because they were hanging out. Now, S is the only one of my close college girlfriends that I did not invite to the GDBD. Because I have not actually spoken with her in years. The girl is notoriously bad at returning phone calls, emails, etc. So in the difficult exercise of keeping our guest list as small as possible, she came off the list. Now I feel like a huge asshole when she says, so how is DC, are you married yet? Ugh. I make her promise to call me back this week and catch up, wherein I will see if she can come and hope she won't be offended by this stupid fiasco. I genuinely would love for her to be there.
*Update: I emailed to tell her how great it was to talk to her and that I would love for her to come to the wedding and how much of a jerk I am for not making more of an effort to reconnect with her sooner. I feel simultaneously relieved and awful. But mostly just glad to talk to my old friend again, wedding drama be damned.
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