grouchy

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And that's because I woke up on the futon, not the bed. SOMEBODY was snoring and I had to evacuate the bedroom at some wee hour to try and salvage the remaining hours of potential sleep. So I'm not feeling 100 dollars. As a bonus, it's hump day. I've never understood Steph's appreciation for Wednesdays; they've always depressed me, the whole stranded between weekends thing.

Last Friday, I was looking forward to the weekend and a quiet return to taking out the recycling, doing laundry and eating eggs with the Rooster. I took down the holiday decor and washed the last of the guests' linens. That was all good, but somehow there was also this undercurrent of irritability. R has been incredibly stuffed up though his cold is improving, and it makes him so dejected and ornery. And I've had this low-grade anxiety about planning the GDBD that I fixated on the need to get organized, whatever that means. But it just wasn't happening. Then we saw his parents on Saturday evening and finally updated them on our plans, and his mom flipped out a little when we told them the guest list was less than 40 people. We worked through that, mostly, but by Sunday night I was alternating between angry, stubborn, tearful, panicked and resentful and knew I had to take a step back.

I've decided I have to get philosophical about this whole GDBD. See, I went for years with this lame nonchalance about how maybe I won't ever get married, and how I certainly won't be wearing a white dress, and how the whole wedding industry is a scam anyway, yadda yadda yadda. All that was coming from a sincere but also confused place, and a deep inability to envision my own future self, let alone myself walking down some aisle. That arm's length attitude has made it really really tough to be enthusiastic and positive about planning my own God Damn Big Day, despite the fact that I am madly in love and feel wildly lucky that I met R and we want to live our lives together.

So I took that step back. I'm thinking about how much fun I had planning our little new year's eve thing, and how not stressed I was, and how wonderful it was to have so many of our darling friends there to celebrate with. If I can capture a modicum of that spirit and let it bloom into the GDBD, we're all good.